HIGH!low

In Loving Memory of Mark Thomas Beasley

I am not good at emotions. Some say blogging helps, so here it goes.

I have been writing this post for 2 weeks now. No matter how much I write, it never seems finished. Every time I log on, I always seem to add more or take away…small editing here and there. Problems of being a perfectionist.

But this post is something else entirely. This is my story. Occasionally, students receive assignments for school to write an essay about their “story”; something that has contributed to or made an impact on their lives. I’ve never really had one until now.

When the movie Zombieland came out, there was one scene in particular that stood apart from the rest. No, it wasn’t the children shooting guns or the bloody zombies lurking around or even the never ending journey to find a Twinkie, but rather an intimate scene between two of the main characters. Amidst the apocalyptic doomsday world they had to survive, they sat down and shared a bottle of wine (stick with me because there IS a purpose, I promise). As many people often times do, they checked the year of the wine. Looking back to the events that took place that year, each reminisced if it was a good year or a bad year.

For me, I imagine being in my forties, and coming home to a glass of wine from the 2014 bottle. 2014. What would I remember from this year. Was it good or bad?

Turns out, it is both. It has been the best, and worst, year (so far) in my life.

Senior Year:

• I was a leader at the Class of 2014 Senior Seminar.
• I was elected Senior Class Treasurer.
• I became a Teaching Assistant for the second year for one of my favorite teachers.
• I worked on our Class of 2014’s final Homecoming float, and rode on it during the football game’s halftime as the Tin Man (Wizard of Oz theme).
• I continued leading in RSVP for my fourth year as a student origination to help improve the school.
• I was nominated and then voted by my peers to receive the DAR Award (Daughters of the American Revolution).
• I served as an honorary member of Interact Club (Rotary International).
• I began my Girl Scout Gold Award and bridged to an adult in Girl Scouts (my final years since I was a Daisy in kindergarten — 14 years total).
• I attended my Senior Prom in a dress that made me feel beautiful.
• I was interviewed for an article in the local newspaper, The Daily Journal.
• Scored fifth place in the state on a test I took at BPA (Business Professionals of America).
• I was one of theta obtuseness to win the Business Student of the Year out of my whole grade.
• I was one of the two to win the Early College Student of Excellence out of my whole grade.
• I planned, organized, and ran the Senior Celebration (a whole gathering of the Class of 2014 similar to that of an awards show).
• I was asked to introduce the President of Vincennes University at a Early College Recognition night that I was selected to help construct.
• I earned my Associates Degree before even graduating high school.
• I graduated high school with academic honors, 5 chords, and a special tassel.

Me giving a speech at my high school graduation ceremony; one of the biggest moments in my life thus far.

All of this occurred to me throughout the year, in addition to having some of the best memories with my classmates (who are like my family) that I could have ever even dreamed. I do not list these accomplishments as a pompous effort to brag, but merely to emphasize how wonderful my year had been. But sometimes, life can just throw you a curve ball that you just can’t dodge. This one hit me in my heart.

May 31: Graduation Day

Speaking at my high school graduation commencement was the highlight of my life thus far. I was on top of the world; nothing could bring my spirits down.

June 1:

What started out as a day full of partying at friends graduation open houses, quickly escalated into the worst night of my life. My dad’s death.

How? How could the best year of my life rapidly descend into my lowest point?

To to be honest, I don’t quite know how to tell this story. Quite frankly, it is not one I really want to tell. But even if I wanted to, how could I accurately describe my feelings. Truth is, I still don’t know where my feelings lie.

I decided it best not to describe to you every detail. I don’t want it to be a repeat of the ending of How I Met Your Mother (SPOILER!!!) in which the father tells a whole 9 seasons of details on how he met the love of his life just to clarify that she was dead this whole time. No. That takes far too much time and effort, and frankly, who cares? None of you knew my dad like I did, so no matter how many details I describe, it will never be adequate to the pain I have endured from losing the greatest, wisest, kindest man of my life. Nothing will ever change that.

How do you cope? How do you move forward in life? How can you possibly get over such a traumatic, life changing event? For me, my brain overrides my heart, and the solution was simple.

You can’t, not really, not fully, so what next?

1. I prayed. I am a Methodist (a form of Christianity). God is my biggest supporter. I knew how much my dad loved him, and God loved him in return. I keep telling myself that God just needed another angel in heaven. And I could not pick out a person more perfect for that position than my dad. I knew God ultimately had a larger plan, and he is perfect, so who am I to judge his decisions? God is my everything, and I trust him and I won’t let my father’s passing change that. My dad would want that in me.

2. I thought about what my dad would have wanted. Would he want my grief to impede my actions? No. Would he want me to be defeated and stop trying? No. Would he want me to think about the ‘what ifs’ knowing there was nothing I could to to save him? No. He would want me to continue being me: having fun with friends, working hard at Hanover College, enjoying my life to the fullest. It was illogical to hold on to all of the grief and sadness when I knew it only acted as poison to my thoughts and actions.

3. I cried. The more you hold onto, and the longer you hold it, the more your emotions are bottled up. I know this from experience; my mom often reffers to me as Spock because I have a logical outlook on situations but I tend to hide my emotions, not letting them show. This is just like a soda can: it becomes all shook up as its inside stir until one final push and it explodes. I am not typically fond of crying, especially in front of others. I dont want to appear weak. I am the girl who is suppose to have it all together. But in this type of scenario, no one expects you to keep it all in ~ it isn’t healthy. Crying is NOT a sign of weakness, but if you don’t feel comfortable doing so in front of others, at least do it on your own time. It truly helps let off steam and built up emotions. Chocolate also helps.

Harry Potter reference…Professor Lupin claims chocolate helps recover from traumatic experiences.

4. I got plenty of support. My mom and brother had to take medication simply to sleep at night. I am on anxiety medication. If medication is not an option, talk to someone: a friend, family member, therapist, anyone. It was heartwarming to see hundreds of people reach out in support. One friend even set up a meal train for families to bring us food throughout the rest of the month.

5. I planted a mulberry tree in memory of my father. I grew up with this mulberry tree and even though it was cut down I hold it close to my heart. That symbolizes my feelings toward my father. Although he is gone, I will always hold him close to my heart. Also, we took the flowers from the funeral, and each of my family members had them created into something. I had mine turned into a memory necklace.

Although this year contained the worst time of my life, I must not let it consume my whole year. His death was like a black hole, trying to suck away all of the light out of my life. But friends, family, memories; all brought me out of my downward spiral. I continued to not only live, but prosper. I held my graduation open house the following week, took a trip up to Michigan City, and even went to my first real concert (Panic! At the Disco, baby!). I must not let his death consume all of the good memories I have made this year. And I plan on continuing my greatest year going into my very first year at Hanover College!

Of course, I have now come to realize to stop analyzing my years. To just take moments as they happen. Make memories. To hold on the past to grow, but to let go in order heal. Enjoy the happy memories as they come, cherishing, living; yet welcome the hurtful ones, as they make the happy shine even more brighter.

My dad’s death isn’t the end of the world. Just like this blog isn’t the end. I will be like John H. Watson from BBC’s Sherlock and use this blog as a way to cope with his passing. But this is all that I can for one post. As Legolas said, “I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.”

Love you, Daddy.

 

 

End notes:

I’m back to blogging!!! Yay! Although, I do not know how frequently?

Sorry for all my nerdy movie/TV references, but for me they lighten up the mood. I don’t want it to sound like such a complete sob story.

If you lost a loved one, I am deeply sorry. I cannot express my condolences enough, but I am always available to anyone who needs to talk! Feel free to leave a comment 🙂

Let Life Be

Growing up in a small, close-net community, I have been surrounded by many influential people in my life. As one may expect, my family has been my primary source of support throughout my life. From elementary school to high school, they were always there for me. Every orchestra concert, every school project, every soccer game – they supported me in every way possible. My mother has taught me how to be responsible and respectful of others. She gives all of her time and energy into doing things for other, and her kindness is one of the many qualities I aspired to acquire. She is a therapist, a maid, and a tutor all in one, and I take advantage of all she does for me and the family. My father proves just how hard work pays off and how taking leadership is important. He is dedicated in all assignments and tasks, and yet he still cares for his family enough to come home and assist me in my schoolwork by editing a paper or solving a math problem. He does all that he can to make the family happy while staying up late at night to pay the bills. I have a strong relationship with both of my parents, never having had a fight, and I am so grateful to have the best ones in the world. Sure they aren’t perfect, but they are human, and they are far better than I deserve. Apparently, I look like my mom on some days, but other days I resemble my dad. But no one in my family has blonde hair so I don’t know where that came from!

My father and I took a daddy-daughter day to visit the Indianapolis Zoo.

My mother and I attend the Mom-and-Me Tea party for Girls Scouts.

My brother, in particular, taught me to be stronger and to not give up when things aren’t easy. Without his tough-love and desensitization, I would not be the independent person I am today. Although I love my brother for teaching me how to stand up for myself and what I believe in, he has also set a prime example of what decisions I should avoid. In high school he went through a rough time in his life and became involved with the wrong group of people. His downfall started with alcohol, but it rapidly escalated to sex and drugs. To top it all off, he gave himself a tattoo and even resorted to shoplifting at one point. He came to me in confidence, in an attempt to hide his secrets from my parents. They, of course, found out and I felt disappointed in myself. I had allowed myself to help my brother hurt himself by not reporting his destructive actions. This led to an assortment of angry fights and stress within our family. I never wanted to cause that much harm to myself, or to my family like my brother did. From that moment, I learned from his mistakes and refused to follow in his footsteps. In this way, he taught me more than he could ever know.

Although I do not agree with my brother’s lifestyle, it has shown me the life I want to avoid. Luckily, he has progressed and is about to graduate college. I will not waste my life on stupid decisions. Instead, I want to change the world for the better, starting with my school, and hopefully succeeding in my community. Looking beyond my brother’s turmoil, I have become more involved in school, volunteer work, and my family. I value my academics because a good education is important for success. Volunteering is one of my favorite pastimes because I enjoy helping others who are less fortunate and to provide opportunities to develop my leadership skills. After evaluating the poor decisions my brother made, I have been able to avoid the same mistakes to maximize my achievements.

I became a board member of NHS my junior year.

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fail” ~ Proverbs 16:18

I take pride in all my activities and work ethic. I do not believe myself to be better than my classmates; I simply enjoy taking charge and completing tasks to the best of my ability. I’m a board member of NHS, Treasurer of the senior class, honorary member of Interact (Rotary International) Club, and 13 year member of Girl Scouts, served as the Editor of Key Club (Kiwanis International), and have maintained mostly As and Bs my whole academic career. You would think that I have my whole life together, right? Ha! I have yet to decide on a college or a major. “But Colleen, you’re perfect!” I’m sorry to disappoint. The problem is people actually believe that I am of superior intelligence and never make mistakes. When I do make mistakes, people scold me and make jokes because I’m supposed to be perfect. The issue with this is that society has convinced me to live up to that expectation, which will result in failure because no one but God is perfect, so I am automatically being set up to fail. And when I do fail, it crushes me. My expectations of myself have been developing for years, and now I have gained this sickening amount of pride in my system that stings my veins when I do not succeed. The devil sits at my shoulder, mocking me, “What a failure of a person Colleen. You are too good to make mistakes. You should expect more than yourself.” And the realization that I am turning slowly into the devil is truly heart-wrenching and makes me sick. Think about it. For those of you who are not familiar with Satan, he used to be an angel until he believed he was better than God and that he was perfect and could do no wrong. I am noticing a distinct parallel between myself and Satan. Now I have been labeled as “sweet, motherly, and kind”. I love to be nice to others and to help others in every way I can…but I will make mistakes along the way. That brings me to my other issue: I am not, in any way, shape, or form, comfortable with being vulnerable. Part of this is caused by previous challenge of being perfect and having too much pride. In general though, I do not like sentiment. I find it extremely awkward and uncomfortable, and I even have the audacity to laugh at it. The truly hypocritical thing is, I crave it. I need the affection and love of others to keep me going. Once again Satan whispers in my ear, telling me how awful a person I am. Without the sentimental emotions from others, I feel useless and weak, like a mere Nat in the universe that is annoying everyone. I need to learn to break past these complications, denounce my pride and title of perfection, and become vulnerable. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is strength. I need to let go of my worries and stereotypical labels and just let life be, because God knows what he is doing and he has a plan for me.

New Year’s Eve 2013-2014

Freshman Orientation Leaders Training

As much as the devil whispers into my ear, God sends his love through the people around me. Not just my family, but my friends have also shown me so much care and affection, to the point where I consider them an extended family. They bring me confidence that help me strive for success that I would not have achieved otherwise. I have a few good friends who I feel comfortable being around, being open with and confiding my thoughts and opinions. They listen to me and my stressful nature, and they always have my back no matter what happens. When I achieve something, they are the first to congratulate me and make me feel as though I won the lottery. My friends are loving, always smiling and laughing, and in general having a great time together. One of the things that keeps me motivated into getting out of bed in the morning is that thought of getting to see my friends. Whenever I am with them, all my troubles seem to disappear, and they are all that matter to me. I would do anything for them and I know they would say the same, because we aren’t just friends, we are a family unit.

Senior Homecoming Week: Wild Wild West Day

All You Need is God’s Love

God is amazing. He is the KING of all kings and the LORD of all Lords. He is the only true definition of perfection. Humans sin and disrespect him by disobeying his commandments. People lose faith and turn against him. We are selfish, rude, and cocky, and yet, after all of the cruelty we exhibit to God, he still loves us unconditionally. Without God we are nothing. The picture below helps remind me how God looks after me every single day, no matter the situation. He knows the details of my future, and I must have faith that he will guide me into making the correct decisions. No matter what I do to try to earn God’s redemption, I will never succeed, because I am not perfect and God loves me out of the goodness of his heart. That kind of love is unconditional.