Let Life Be

Growing up in a small, close-net community, I have been surrounded by many influential people in my life. As one may expect, my family has been my primary source of support throughout my life. From elementary school to high school, they were always there for me. Every orchestra concert, every school project, every soccer game – they supported me in every way possible. My mother has taught me how to be responsible and respectful of others. She gives all of her time and energy into doing things for other, and her kindness is one of the many qualities I aspired to acquire. She is a therapist, a maid, and a tutor all in one, and I take advantage of all she does for me and the family. My father proves just how hard work pays off and how taking leadership is important. He is dedicated in all assignments and tasks, and yet he still cares for his family enough to come home and assist me in my schoolwork by editing a paper or solving a math problem. He does all that he can to make the family happy while staying up late at night to pay the bills. I have a strong relationship with both of my parents, never having had a fight, and I am so grateful to have the best ones in the world. Sure they aren’t perfect, but they are human, and they are far better than I deserve. Apparently, I look like my mom on some days, but other days I resemble my dad. But no one in my family has blonde hair so I don’t know where that came from!

My father and I took a daddy-daughter day to visit the Indianapolis Zoo.

My mother and I attend the Mom-and-Me Tea party for Girls Scouts.

My brother, in particular, taught me to be stronger and to not give up when things aren’t easy. Without his tough-love and desensitization, I would not be the independent person I am today. Although I love my brother for teaching me how to stand up for myself and what I believe in, he has also set a prime example of what decisions I should avoid. In high school he went through a rough time in his life and became involved with the wrong group of people. His downfall started with alcohol, but it rapidly escalated to sex and drugs. To top it all off, he gave himself a tattoo and even resorted to shoplifting at one point. He came to me in confidence, in an attempt to hide his secrets from my parents. They, of course, found out and I felt disappointed in myself. I had allowed myself to help my brother hurt himself by not reporting his destructive actions. This led to an assortment of angry fights and stress within our family. I never wanted to cause that much harm to myself, or to my family like my brother did. From that moment, I learned from his mistakes and refused to follow in his footsteps. In this way, he taught me more than he could ever know.

Although I do not agree with my brother’s lifestyle, it has shown me the life I want to avoid. Luckily, he has progressed and is about to graduate college. I will not waste my life on stupid decisions. Instead, I want to change the world for the better, starting with my school, and hopefully succeeding in my community. Looking beyond my brother’s turmoil, I have become more involved in school, volunteer work, and my family. I value my academics because a good education is important for success. Volunteering is one of my favorite pastimes because I enjoy helping others who are less fortunate and to provide opportunities to develop my leadership skills. After evaluating the poor decisions my brother made, I have been able to avoid the same mistakes to maximize my achievements.

I became a board member of NHS my junior year.

“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fail” ~ Proverbs 16:18

I take pride in all my activities and work ethic. I do not believe myself to be better than my classmates; I simply enjoy taking charge and completing tasks to the best of my ability. I’m a board member of NHS, Treasurer of the senior class, honorary member of Interact (Rotary International) Club, and 13 year member of Girl Scouts, served as the Editor of Key Club (Kiwanis International), and have maintained mostly As and Bs my whole academic career. You would think that I have my whole life together, right? Ha! I have yet to decide on a college or a major. “But Colleen, you’re perfect!” I’m sorry to disappoint. The problem is people actually believe that I am of superior intelligence and never make mistakes. When I do make mistakes, people scold me and make jokes because I’m supposed to be perfect. The issue with this is that society has convinced me to live up to that expectation, which will result in failure because no one but God is perfect, so I am automatically being set up to fail. And when I do fail, it crushes me. My expectations of myself have been developing for years, and now I have gained this sickening amount of pride in my system that stings my veins when I do not succeed. The devil sits at my shoulder, mocking me, “What a failure of a person Colleen. You are too good to make mistakes. You should expect more than yourself.” And the realization that I am turning slowly into the devil is truly heart-wrenching and makes me sick. Think about it. For those of you who are not familiar with Satan, he used to be an angel until he believed he was better than God and that he was perfect and could do no wrong. I am noticing a distinct parallel between myself and Satan. Now I have been labeled as “sweet, motherly, and kind”. I love to be nice to others and to help others in every way I can…but I will make mistakes along the way. That brings me to my other issue: I am not, in any way, shape, or form, comfortable with being vulnerable. Part of this is caused by previous challenge of being perfect and having too much pride. In general though, I do not like sentiment. I find it extremely awkward and uncomfortable, and I even have the audacity to laugh at it. The truly hypocritical thing is, I crave it. I need the affection and love of others to keep me going. Once again Satan whispers in my ear, telling me how awful a person I am. Without the sentimental emotions from others, I feel useless and weak, like a mere Nat in the universe that is annoying everyone. I need to learn to break past these complications, denounce my pride and title of perfection, and become vulnerable. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is strength. I need to let go of my worries and stereotypical labels and just let life be, because God knows what he is doing and he has a plan for me.

New Year’s Eve 2013-2014

Freshman Orientation Leaders Training

As much as the devil whispers into my ear, God sends his love through the people around me. Not just my family, but my friends have also shown me so much care and affection, to the point where I consider them an extended family. They bring me confidence that help me strive for success that I would not have achieved otherwise. I have a few good friends who I feel comfortable being around, being open with and confiding my thoughts and opinions. They listen to me and my stressful nature, and they always have my back no matter what happens. When I achieve something, they are the first to congratulate me and make me feel as though I won the lottery. My friends are loving, always smiling and laughing, and in general having a great time together. One of the things that keeps me motivated into getting out of bed in the morning is that thought of getting to see my friends. Whenever I am with them, all my troubles seem to disappear, and they are all that matter to me. I would do anything for them and I know they would say the same, because we aren’t just friends, we are a family unit.

Senior Homecoming Week: Wild Wild West Day

Not One in a Million: One of A Kind

One in a million. You may hear that phrase from time to time. Instead of setting a number limit, like one million, people should look at themselves as one whole unique person that nobody can replicate. Each person has different skills, characteristics, and qualities that make them their own individual, and this is how I stand out as one unique individual:

I could go on to describe myself, my looks, and where I am from. Well, I am 17 years old with long, dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes who follows the American culture of being overweight. Instead of focusing on my statistics, in which people judge me for, I want to share with you some facts that I would want to be judged for, so you can see my true personality and not just my appearance.

I’m sure many of you have seen the left brain vs. right brain quizzes, but it tend to avoid those because when I take them, they never truly seem to summarize WHO I am as a person, just some of my tendencies. I recently took a personality quiz, and it went into great depth to define what type of personality and traits I have. Although these types of tests might not work on everyone, it hit me spot on, and I discovered some things about myself that I never considered. Once completing the quiz, the online computer sorted your answers into categories. And these are my results, who I am and what people should judge me for:

Outlook: Optimist

Viewing the world with a positive attitude helps me understand more. Being an optimist does not mean I do not experience problems or pain, I simply do not let it affect me in a negative way. After all, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have food, shelter, loved ones, and God — I have plenty to be thankful for.

Character: Helpful

Self discipline and determination are the skills I use to my benefit. I take pleasure in assisting others and am more than willing to give up my own time to help them until the job is done.

Self-Control: Relaxed

At first this result shocked me, because I am the most anxiety driven people I know. However, the description the quiz gave made sense, stating that I am not easily angered and that I may appear to be a pushover. There are two sides to every situation and that is important to remember when controlling anger.

Composure: Measured

This relates to how clear I view goals and the steps I need to take in order to accomplish them. I find this hard to believe because I haven’t even chosen my college yet. Nevertheless, I can be very focused on a short term goal such as schoolwork or a fundraiser. If I know what needs to be done, I am not afraid to step up and take action.

Taste: Blockbuster

When I get free time, I enjoy leisured activities that will entertain me and that I do not need to concentrate on. I enjoy life’s simple pleasures and being around others so I will often be found at community events.

Sociability: Giver

This result stated that I was naturally good-hearted and extremely sociable. It also stated that I get along with every which makes me popular. While I do my best to get along with others, I do not find myself popular, just well known. And it is ironic that the test said I was naturally good-hearted because I often doubt my intentions and constantly question whether I am a “good” person.

Action: Influential

Productive, efficient, quick, and if I know what needs to be done, I will be more than willing and able to do it. This can be translated to pushiness, so I need to draw the line between authoritative and bossy.

Attitude: Traditional

I use my moral beliefs and traditions to guide me into making what I believe is the correct decision. The results mention how I strong connections to family and faith. Even though I don’t know much about my ancestors, I value my family and all they have taught me. However, although I have faith in God, I constantly find myself to be a poor religion and blame myself for disappointing God.

Process: Organizer

When working, I am diligent and prefer to follow the rules while having a creative side. I am very neat and organized professionally, at school and in my activities, but when I come home, my bedroom is just as bad as a pig pen.

Resilience: Practical

The quiz results stated, “Practical people are unlikely to be derailed when they come up against difficulties” and that I push my negative emotions aside and focus on how I may solve the problem. I feel like this coincides with my result from my optimist outlook in that I always try to see the best in every situation, but I can be realistic when it comes to solving the problem.

To discover what person you truly are, visit this website: https://whoami.visualdna.com/?c=us#quiz

And remember, the more honest you answer, the more honest the results! Have a wonderful weekend!

Quote of the Week

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…” ~C.S. Lewis (author of The Chronicles of Narnia)

The things we consider important today will seem like mere drops in a lake of experience. We may not understand why situations play out the way they do, but when we get the whole picture, the troubles and difficulties will make it much more beautiful. I struggle with understanding why certain things happen to me; however, I know that everything happens for a reason, and soon enough, all of my struggles will seem far away, and I will become a stronger person as a result.

Ninja Cat

Lets end off the week with one of my classic favorites, shall we?
No description is really needed. Just click play, sit back, and enjoy!

Literature Analysis ~ “Homework” and “The Girl with Bangs”

As a current high school senior, taking multiple dual credit classes in an attempt of receiving my Associates Degree by graduation, I know well the harsh life of a student. Back in 8th grade, I was assigned a five page research paper, which I believed was the hardest, most cruel assignment a teacher has ever given. However, when I attended high school, that extremely vigorous five page paper looked dinky compared to the new high school essays that were assigned. Just recently, in one of my dual credit college courses, I was instructed to write a 15 page paper. I thought it was the end of the world; that I would never complete it and it would be a horrible research paper. After hard work and some dedication (and a couple cups of coffee), I finally managed to complete the paper, receiving an A, and relief rushed over me. I look back on my schoolwork throughout the years, and each year I overcome an assignment or course that I believe will result in my destruction. And yet, each year, I overcome every assignment and learn to grow from it.

In Helen Simpson’s short story “Homework”, I was prepared to talk about my classes and workload (like up above), and how not to procrastinate. However, the story took a different turn than I had originally expected. I thought it was going to be about a typical student who complained about his homework and how much he hated school. It turns out, the short story actually started that way, but the mother took the short story on a different, more creative path. It was weird for me to read how the mother encouraged her son to lie on his homework assignment, because that is opposing the traditional role of being a mother figure and is sending mixed signals for proper ethics that most mothers usually teach their children. As a student, I encourage creativity – heck, this blog is for my Creative Writing class – but in this scenario, the boy was instructed to tell a deep, personal message; something in his life that impacted who he was as a 13 year old boy. The mother did not believe anything that has happened to her son would have enough effect on him that would be life-changing. However, the situations a person grows up with define their characteristics and the type of person they become. In this story, the mother helps create a fictional story for her son to use as his paper. I am all for getting helpful ideas and tips from family members, but the mother proceeded to create an elaborate background, often pausing to mention bits of her past memories and parts of her family history. She seemed disconnected from her son, and related more with the story. An excerpt from the story states, “George scribbled away, not happy with where the story line was going but incapable of coming up with an alternative. I felt power, like a magician pulling rabbits out of a hat.” In that passage, the mother is the narrator, and she is calling all of the shots in the story, even if the boy does not agree but does not dare argue. This reminds me of how mothers often live experiences through their children. Some moms force their children to try out for the soccer team because when they were little they never could. Some parents force their children to study hard, because they didn’t when they were young and they wished for their children to become the student that they never were. In this case, I believe the mother is telling the story she never was able to experience. She wanted to run away, but she had to take care of her sisters and the rest of her family.

“The Girl with Bangs”, the short story by Zadie Smith, was fascinating to read because her voice in writing sounded as a male, never once indicating that a female writer created this story. This man became fascinated with tis woman named Charlotte because of her bangs. However, the girl was not good, not intelligent, and slept with whoever would have her. The narrator knew all of her bad qualities, but Charlotte’s black bangs had a fix on him; like a vanishing spell that wiped away all of his bad conceptions of her. In this sense, this relates to people who love someone even though they know are not good for them. However, I refer to this as “lust” or “attraction” rather than love. The character Charlotte mad me sad because it made me question if she was even capable of love.
“For in the real world, or so it seems to me, it is almost always women and not men who are waiting under windows, and they are almost always disappointed.”
In a subplot to the story, this other man named Maurice, who was dating Charlotte and later married her, left for a job where he met a worker. He, knowingly or not, led a girl on indication a connection that was not supposed to be real. Women in general relate to this poor woman, and similarly to the quote above, because sadly there is this stereotypical image many women create of men to be a knight in shining armor who will come out of nowhere, fall in love with them, romance them, and live as a happy couple. However, many great men are not like that, and not all good girls get the guys in the end. Even though Charlotte slept with other guys and was bad for Maurice, he still ended up marrying her. Maybe it was because he believed he could change her habits. Maybe he truly loved her for some odd reason. But in the end, women will just stay waiting for that perfect guy to come, even though he might not come at all.